Nobody is Immune to Life.

Life has a way of bringing you to your knees
You try and try to stand up tall to puff yourself up and take control of the wheel
But life eventually comes to bring you back to reality
Life happens and you can do nothing about it.
Life happens to you no matter who you are.
Nobody is immune to the symptoms of this chaos
Everyone is subject to it, yet we all continue to fight for control of it.
Those with faith and with out it alike
Yet no matter what you believe or do not believe doesn't change reality.
Life happens to everyone, life is no respecter of persons
And no one has or will ever gain control of it.
What then what do we do how do we cope with the uncertainty of life?
A thought that I have is this.
Think of life like surfing. Surfers in no way think that they can tame the ocean.
But in no way do they just lie around on there boards expecting to catch a wave just lying there. They study and learn and watch for warning signs and adjust there efforts according to what they've learned in there experiences both failures and successes. But the ocean is in control they are not they ocean decides when the great rides are going to come and the ocean decides when it's going to swallow up and bring destruction. But in that respect and understanding the surfer that risks at the right time may experience the greatest rides of it's life but the ones who never risk who never go balls out to catch the waves will just be bobbing up and down out in the ocean that is not surfing. The ride and the wipeout is what defines surfing you can't surf with out the two they go hand in hand. So life though it is out of our control victory and defeat, life and death, pain and happiness are all apart of what makes up life and it does not exist with out them. So instead of trying to control life learn from it and just be committed to ride the waves that come and learn from the experiences of failure and success, life and death, victory and defeat and adjust yourself for the next set that comes rolling in.

I Sink

Death comes to me
As the last breath departs from me
Choked out and beaten
Ignored and abandoned
I sink.

The abyss consumes me
darker still deeper till there's nothing left of me
Only pain and anger live on
consuming my tender heart
I sink.

How can this be
All that once was, is swallowed into history
A figment maybe or possibly a mere delusion
Snap shots fade as time consumes all hints of what used to be.
I sink.

My mind wanders, runs, and panics trying to find anything familiar
Grasping for a hint of reality, screaming and trashing around
While the world watches as if all is well.
No one with a clue of the torment rushing through my lifeless body
I sink.

Faith fails me,
Friends, foes, and lovers leave only tears in my heart
Pain grows deeper as grief etches despair on my face
Defeated and despondent, downhearted and dejected
I sink

Why I Died

This is why I died when you did.

My emotions are hyper
intense, and beyond normalcy
My heart fragile, my pain unbearable
This world and this life is too scary for me.

You were my safety
You gave me strength
You kept my fear at bay.
Through the darkest night
Your songs ushered me to sleep

Death raped me of this safety
So I buried myself,
My fear, my heart, my emotions.
As deep as they would go.
To keep my heart from feeling too much.
And now here I explode.

They wouldn't stay latent forever
They manifested themselves again
My hyper emotions, fragile heart and fear
Consume me once again.
But now you are gone and I'm all alone
No one is here to ground my fear and pain

Will there ever be?
someone who is able and willing to handle my intensity?
Am I destined to be alone
Devoured by my brains hyper activity.

A Glimpse of My Fear

Silent static screams into my emptiness,
Alone and abandoned lying here.
My ears search for someone near
But there's no sound, only fear.
As a pit in my stomach grows and panic appears
Alone, in the abyss of abandonment jeers.
I float in the dark emptiness of eternity
Isolated from all and loathing my mere existence
Wishing I could be undone and
Erased from the fabric of reality.
Hating the knowledge of love and
Fearing that it hates me
But desperate for it to embrace me
To ground me and keep me from being swallowed
by the immensity of infinity.
Forsaken, depress, rejected, and unloved
Unwanted, outcasted, and accompanied by no one
So alone self existence falls into question
But fear and panic proves that existence is my problem.
No way out, no where to go,
I have absolutely zero control.
Panic engulfs me as I embrace the reality of my reality
I may never find love and it may never find me.
My fear is I exist alone in the abyss of eternity.

Fear Of New Beginnings

My world is spinning with
Visions of a new beginning

Is my heart willing to release what used to be,
And embrace the possibilities.
New life, new hope, and maybe a happy ending.

Can my heart trust again?
Or should I protect myself from them.

Which way should I go?
How will I know?

I don't want to come back here?
Where destruction devoured my soul.

I can't take another explosion,
My heart can't stand more devastation.

Lord lead me out of temptation
And into your will, and unto creation.

Pain, Fear, Hell

I stare into a blur of loneliness.
Thoughts bombard my mind
trying to destroy me
fear and panic well up within me.

My breath is stolen
My heart is broken
My ability to trust has been shattered
Will there ever be an ebb in this storm that has come upon me.

Is alone my destiny,
A prisoner to my circumstances my future?
This is more than I can bear
Oh death where are you my dear.

Darkness, fear, and disbelief is my nightly drink
How can I find sleep without having to think?
No matter what I do I cannot escape
My thoughts replaying over and over as if it they were recorded on tape.

Come and save me from my contemplation,
Deliver me from my imagination.
Without your shelter this storm I can't endure.
Come my God and rescue me,
From my life consumed by the fruit of depravity.

Who is This Staring Back at Me?

As I look into the mirror I'm not who I see
Where did I go. who is this looking back at me?
I blink and this person does not disappear.
How did I get to this place?
Who is this standing here?

In a day my whole life vanished from my consciousness.
And now I'm someone new my life in a mess.
Was it real or just a dream?
My life, my memories a mirage a painful tease.

Who is this staring back at me?
This face those eyes full of misery.
Vacant of life, absent of joy,
Lost in the amnesia of this nightmare.
Pinch me, slap me, wake me please

To this quandary I need the keys
My God I'm in desperate need.
For my savior on that tree.
Come quickly and deliver me.

Wading and Waiting

Walking on water is harder than it reads
When your fear and your doubt blurs what you see.
Can my faith remain among the waves and the breeze?
Crashing, falling, and blowing through the trees.

The torrent of the storm is more than I can sustain.
So I cry out, desperate to retain,
Just an ounce of hope as I sink into the deep.

The moment of salvation seems like an eternity from me.
Is it coming, can you hear me, are you near?
Falling farther and sinking deeper in fear.
Doubt beginning to deteriorate all that I hold dear.

But its out on this water where my faith is made clear.
There's not a words to comfort me, nor an answer in sight.
I'm powerless Lord, show me Your might.
I need you to give me the strength to stand up and fight.

But only Dawn can break through the darkness of night.
So I wade and wait.

Who is This I Once Knew?

How did familiarity and such beautiful intimacy
Fall into the abyss of uncertainty?

Now I'm a stranger in my home,
Broken and alone.
Where does hope begin?

Amidst shattered dreams, fears and screams,
Nauseous because it so overwhelming.
My mind is wandering towards the edge of jumping
Wanting something in front of me

Arms to hold my heart
Any will do tonight
But alone is my plight

The war wages on.
Temperatures rise and I am liquified
The dross inside is compelled to rise
I am unveiled and my wounds exposed.

Dark and full of shame
Blinded by my pain
Is there hope in the rain
Right now it eludes my brain.
I wonder if things will ever be the same.

Will my heart ever trust again?
How can I see the end?

Broken and alone
Wishing to go home
To be held through the night
Where are your arms?
Someone please hold me tight.

Fog

Oh she is beautiful and sweet.
In her it is quiet and still in which you tread softly.
She rolls quietly in and consumes the world in its path.
So beautiful and soothing is her touch as she consumes all in her grip.
Sweet fog roll into me, consume me.
When I see her erase the details of my surroundings.
My heart whisper softly to her, "Embrace me"
"Consume this pain, consume my reality, Oh fog would you embrace me."
My heart longs for you, every time I see you.
As all the harsh lines and details fade in your arms
And all that remains is a vague memory of what is reality.
My heart screams, "Fog wont you hold me."
She can roll in to a war zone
And her embrace brings beauty.
In the midst of the ruin and a shattered world ripped apart by fighting
Her gentle embrace erases the death and destruction.
My heart is war torn, my world is shattered and in ruins
Embrace me fog hold me in your arms.

On The Water

Fractures are what happens to a bone,
Shattered is what happens to glass,
Destruction is what takes place in a natural disaster.
But what is this that has happened to me?
What is going on in my heart?
What has taken place in my life?
Are there a words?
Is there an expression?
How can I begin to grasp what is going on?
The pain inside is beginning to eat me alive.
Devastation has absorbed all of my air.
I can't endure it,
I'm breaking into pieces,
Deteriorating into oblivion.
All I can do,
Is close my eyes,
And step out onto the water with You.

Delusion

What is this life?
I sit here now in silence, wishing I had more.
All this stuff, laughing at nothing, only to be left alone awake until four.
I blink and I blink and I blink but still the same old score.
Computers and TV's, Music on CD's
What is all this for.
Marriage and children gives my mind reason
But purpose ripped from my grips once more.
Again I blink trying to grab hold of what I once thought to be a chore
Now bound and gaged and thrown to the floor.
I sit here in silence, anger and hate and fear at shore.
A wild beast inside me ready to erupt from my heart to let out it's roar.
On the outside there's not much to complain about.
I'm still me and me am I,
But inside rages violence, thrashing and scrapping devouring me to the core.
The pain is so immense that I can't ignore.
My head is pounding, my eyes are drowning, my throat is sore.
Life demands me I stand handy until I walk through my door.
And there reality shatters the matrix that distracts me from
my heart that I must explore.
All I find behind the costume is festering wounds left unattended to.
The pain of them consume me as I venture into my horror.
But this is where His blood must pour.
Resetting bones, scrapping out wounds and sores
I fall faint overcome by the agony of what broke me in days of yore.
The fear that is found here was covered, hidden by countermeasures
aimed at concealing all the gore.
Trying to stay strong to hide what is really going on;
that I'm broken and scared and want to feel loved more and more.
Lost and scared, out of control I come to find at the core,
A rock that was hiding under all my disguising that can't be shaken or destroyed.
God I know you've began a good work in me,
Please break me, reset and heal me,
Give me freedom from these demons so that I can sore.
With your love, I'll need no more

In Memory of My Mom

The death is taking it's toll,
With only a slight memory of the protection that once stood for me.
Agape, now but a faint memory.

Who is this figment of my past,
Who Cradled me in brokenness with tenderness.
"Oh God," I scream for one more caress.

How can I breathe beneath the abyss of my emotions?
My heart disfigured,
My head pounding,
The panic overtaking me.

A lifetime now vanished into the volumes of history.
"Who will protect me now?" This my consuming mystery.
Who can i rely on?
Who wont let me down?
Overwhelmed by this grief I'm starting to drowned.

From my silence erupts screams of fearful-frustration,
anxious-wonder and terror.
Is there anyone out there?
Can anyone hear?
Agape, where are you?
I can't live when you're not near.

My eyes swollen
My face drenched with tears
Mom I miss you I wish you were here.

Me In Honesty

So now here is me in honesty.
My life fell from a dream.
Now sinking deep in reality,
I'm hoping that I don't drowned.
I can't tread water forever,
Some day i'll have to find a shore
But what shore will it be?

As my broken pieces hit the floor,
Is it possible they can be broken more?
Again it comes crashing, throwing me down on the floor.
How can I live?
Now my greatest passions have come to an end,
Hopefully only for a time,
But maybe never again.

My heart is dead, there's no pulse within.
Is it possible for life to begin?
So dead that rigor mortis has already set in.
How much more until it' s the end?
I want to go home and find my love where it first began.
But how can I get there?

How has this become me?
There was sunshine upon me.
I was lost but thought I was fine,
Now look where I am, broken and crying.
All alone without any love makes it hard to exist.

Clenched jaw and tightened fists.
Hatred I've never known swells within.
The smell of death inebriates me.
Panic quakes me.
Tears saturate my sheets.
Screams bleed into the streets
Obscenities erupt from the depths of my pain and grief.
This is my shame.

If this is who I am or if this is who I became,
God loves me the same.
My heart and all of me,
Retched and broken in pieces.
In His hands I can find peace
In His sovereignty there is relief,
He has began a good work in me.

Though the truth is in me,
The feelings of peace escapes me,
So I wait patiently,
Clinging to hope,
Waiting for God to show Himself to me.
Until then this is me in honesty.